Happy 420!!!

A year ago today I was in Amsterdam for the first time ever.  Oh yeah...

But let me back up a bit.

After that fun weekend in London, I continued on to Estonia with my brother, where he resides.  I should've been headed for home to get back on my crazy pills, but for personal reasons I just deleted, I couldn't.  I had to stick it out another 4 weeks.  He'd bought us plane tickets to Amsterdam for 4/20.  I had never been.  We ARE the Wonder Weed Twins.  It meant a lot for us to finally go together.

Estonia is located on the Baltic Sea, north of Latvia, west of Russia.  It consistently ranks high on the lists of most alcohol consuming countries (right on!).

Old Town Tallinn is charming.  Takes you back in time.  Very Game of Thrones.  So many fantastic restaurants to choose from.  My favorite and highly recommended pub is The Third Dragon.  It's located in the town square, where the Christmas market is held every year.  They have the most delicious (and ridiculously inexpensive) elk jerky, elk stew, meat pies, sausages, homemade pickles, fresh cider and homemade schnapps (theirs was a neutral grain spirit flavored with what I'm guessing was apples and infused with cinnamon).

Going to buy weed, though, was no fun.  We had to walk many kilometers in the freezing cold to a section of town that looked like the Soviet Union in the 80s.  The weed was 100 Euros ($113) per quarter (I pay $50 here in Oregon) and it was TERRIBLE!!!

Somehow I made it to the end of the 4 weeks without shaving my head or jumping off my brother's balcony (both were starting to seem like good ideas) and got on a plane to Amsterdam.

And WOW was it worth it.

After we got checked into our hotel, we went to a nearby coffee shop, ordered lattes and eighths, grabbed some rolling papers and sat at an outside table, facing one of the canals.

What a beautiful city.  Beautiful people with beautiful bodies on bicycles who were more aggressive than New York City cab drivers.  Every time I hear a bicycle bell now I clench my butt cheeks.

We finished our coffee and celebratory smoke, braved the bikers and made it to a gourmet grocery store with the cutest little wheels of cheese I have ever seen.  Bro grabbed us a 6-pack of Heineken, a baguette, a wheel of Gouda and back we went to the room for a proper breakfast.

Heineken, known by it's signature green bottle and red star, is a local Amsterdam lager sold in over 170 countries and is considered to be the world's most international beer brand (23 IBU / 5.4% ABV).

www.heineken.com

We had the best time at The Heineken Experience, a tour of their big brewery a few blocks from the center of the city.  For 16 Euros you get the tour and a tasting of seemingly endless beer.  I got shit faced AND learned some stuff...

There are 2 types of beer: ales and lagers.  Ales are fermented warm (like red wine), are made with a top fermenting yeast and tend to be darker in color with a fruity taste.  Lagers are fermented cold (like white wine), are made with a bottom fermenting yeast and tend to be lighter in color with a crisp taste.

Lager is the most popular style of beer in the world, accounting for over 90% of all beer consumed.

Heineken is a lager made in the pilsner style.  Pilsner isn't a type of beer, it's a type of lager.  The name pilsner comes from the town Pilsen in the Czech Republic, where it was first produced in 1842.  Heineken calls their beer a pilsner, but acknowledges the only true pilsner is a beer from that region.

I'm so glad I went to Amsterdam when I did.  Marijuana was legalized here in Oregon on October 1st.  To go to Amsterdam now would almost be pointless...

I say almost because I'd still really like to get a blow job lesson from a hooker.  Tried to.  I'd talked my man into it, saying it was adventuresome and think of all the things she must know...

He'd joined my brother and I on our last night there.  After a full day, my bro needed to lay down for a nap (pass out), so my guy and I went on a thorough stroll through the Red Light District looking for the perfect teacher.  Not an easy task.  Maybe it's because I was baked to the gills, but all their little "offices" with their dark red velvet curtains reminded me of coffins, and most of the women with their heavy makeup looked like vampires.  It was freaky.

Eventually we found a happy looking blonde in a florescent pink bikini that didn't seem miserable, coerced or dead inside.  But my man immediately chickened out on the bj (with a condom of course) and said he'd rather just feel up her boobs.  Fine.  Can I at least suck your cock during or after and get a few pointers from her?  Um...yes.

Unfortunately, I love amusement park rides...particularly the one with lots of swings that go round and round in a circle as it raises you up for a few minutes, then comes back down.  Feels like you're flying.

Well, we found a mini carnival, they had the ride, it was night time and I thought it would be fun to go on it before my fellatio tutorial.

I should mention I'd chosen to try magic mushrooms (legal in Amsterdam) for the first time earlier that day.  My bro and I wanted to trip whilst walking through the fields of flowers at Keukenhof Gardens (which was freaking AWESOME).

The shrooms hadn't completely worn off yet.  As the swings rose up they kept going higher and higher and higher...at least twice what I was used to.  I cannot describe the terror that swept over me.  My hands turned to water faucets and kept slipping off the safety bar.  So much adrenaline surged through my body I almost threw up.  My husband sitting next to me was having a blast watching me completely freak the fuck out.  We snapped before and after pictures.  I didn't tweet them.

As I staggered away from the ride trying not to hurl, we headed back to the Red Light District in search of Blondie.  When we got there the noise, lights and smells made me feel even more nauseous.  Honey...we gotta get out of here.  I'm gonna be sick.

Luckily, we made it back to the room without me demoting myself to the rank of amateur, but of course NOW my husband was bummed.  Tell a man he CAN'T have something...

So I WILL be going back to Amsterdam.

Besides, I have another date with the tulip fields.

Now I totally understand why bitches choose to be trippin'.

Tot de volgende keer...